The last few weeks have felt strange.
I've been doing a lot of reading, living through eyes other than mine, leading different lives, and wondering what I want for myself. At this point, it's strange for me to be online. The internet is vast and there is so much I can still see, but I've never felt so empty in regard to all that knowledge. Coming home, at the end of the day, tired, I don't have the slightest impulse to turn on the computer, or even check what's going on. I think it's perhaps the first time since I was 10 or 11 that this has happened.
I went on my google reader to catch up with all those things I am supposed to care about, all the blogs I've been reading through the years, and I realised I wasn't even reading any of them, I was just clearing the list of unread posts, because it bothered me to have 100+ posts in there. I checked the sidebar and I wondered why I was even following those websites. Maybe 5 or 6 blogs I truly wanted to read, mostly art blogs, but even those, I didn't even pay attention. This feeling is unsettling.
I've been absent from tumblr as well, which is very unlikely to happen for 2 days, furthermore a week. I guess I've been surrounding myself with tons of good art that I've become lazy, dependent. Every time I try to create something it's never good. I'm blinded by what I want to be and therefore cannot see what I can be. It's hard dealing with other people's creative work - the perpetual state of "everything is better than what I have", or "why can't I be like x or y". I don't know, but I can't seem to free myself from what I know, whether it's writing, drawing, painting, studying. Through this artistic pressure the web has taught me to live under, I have defined boundaries of what I can and cannot do.
I made a list of things I'd like to accomplish in the next couple of years. I've come to the conclusion that, in the best of options, I'll start all of them and only finish one. Because I want too much. I want to be many things at the same time, jack of all trades, master of none.
The question: is it okay? To know much about many different things without excelling at any? Long term, is it fulfilling? Or do you feel anxiety because you cannot achieve your goals?
Am I thinking too much?